Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
What’s a Messi?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.