Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.