joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Baller is short for ballerina
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Name another movie that mislead you?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.