I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Vodka burrito was a success
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.