MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
You Might Also Like
one of
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.