If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
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Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Our lord and savoury.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…