Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.