[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Breaking news:
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*