wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
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Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.