Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
that lip filler tho
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
This was a bad idea all around
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”