The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler