Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Encore…
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Somebody’s lying.
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers