There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me