I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.