[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
You Might Also Like
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.