Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.