I think I’ll stand
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.