Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”