I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.