Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*