Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
You Might Also Like
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating