like u make the diseases or are against them ?
You Might Also Like
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”