My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
You Might Also Like
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”