Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Perfect
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.