colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year