[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
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Put the is in disheveled
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
lmao
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!