My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe