Cinematography is my passion
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As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Me, flirting😏
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Sign of the day..
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.