These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.