[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work