ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill