The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.