[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
yea so i messed up lol
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Ovenable?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
kids play hide and seek like
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.