Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
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Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you