I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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every. time.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.