“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair