Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]