Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?