According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.