I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
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There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.