Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*