Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.