Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.