what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
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I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!