I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.