My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
where the womens at?