Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.