[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Are we there yet?…
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Friday night party time 🥳
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.