NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.