My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
For anyone who needs this today
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…